QUESTION

Washington, DC

R’ Melamed (Peninei Halacha Shabbat 1:6:3, Shabbat 1:6:6) writes that kiddush ideally should be made with wine and that it is a mitzvah to share from the same cup with one’s wife. How should one balance those two values/mitzvot if one’s wife either doesn’t care for wine or doesn’t drink wine? Specifically, this arises when one’s wife is pregnant and not drinking alcohol.

ANSWER

Personally, I am makpid to use wine, particularly on Friday night. There is a real question, if we are talking objectively and setting aside reliance on minhag Yisrael, whether our grape juice counts as anything other than chamar medinah, and whether one should even recite borei pri hagafen on it, since it is pasteurized and thus can never ferment and become wine. When the Gemara (Bava Batra 97a) speaks about one-day-old wine, meaning grape juice fresh from the pressing, it is because it will ultimately ferment and become wine (see Shulchan Aruch O.C. 272:2, Piskei Teshuvot 272:6).

For that reason, even for someone who is not concerned about pasteurized grape juice, fermented wine remains the preferred option. It is the l’chatchila form of Kiddush over non-fermented wine, meaning grape juice, as stated explicitly in the laws of Kiddush themselves (SA O.C. 272:2). By contrast, the idea of sending a kos shel bracha to one’s wife does not appear in the laws of Kiddush at all, but rather in the general laws of kos shel bracha (SA O.C. 183:4). Accordingly, it is better to prioritize the l’chatchila fulfillment of Kiddush with wine, rather than diminish that l’chatchila in order to enhance the practice of a kos shel bracha, which is not intrinsic to Kiddush and takes place only after it.

That said, I am not as makpid on Shabbat day, when chamar medinah is an acceptable option. The use of chamar medinah for Friday night is debated (see SA O.C. 272:9, MB 272:27), but it is universally accepted for Shabbat day. In that case, if I use grape juice, I will recite borei pri hagafen, which, although debatable, reflects universal practice. I will also use grape juice on Friday night if no wine is available or being offered, since one is yotzei bedieved with chamar medinah, and there is a widespread practice to treat grape juice as a form of wine.

I should note that it is critically important to always provide a non-alcoholic option, namely grape juice, for guests, since someone may be pregnant or a recovering alcoholic. One rabbi shared that a congregant, sober for ten years, once attended a Kiddush where no grape juice was available, took a small sip of wine, and that single sip led to a relapse that lasted for years.

In summary, wine should be used for Kiddush whenever possible, even if that means that one person is the sole drinker, since fermented wine represents the l’chatchila fulfillment of the mitzvah of Kiddush, whereas sharing a kos shel bracha is a secondary practice that follows Kiddush rather than defining it.

Of course, considerations of kavod habriyot, shalom bayit, marital intimacy and connection, and positive modelling for children may reasonably lead a couple to prioritize sharing the kos shel bracha, and those values can be determinative in practice.